The Guilt of Grieving a Miscarriage as a Working Woman

Growing up, many of my friends dreamed of getting married and being a mom. My dream was to grow up and cure cancer, and if I met a nice guy in the process– great! While I did not end up curing cancer, I did get my PhD, met a fantastic man along the way, and currently work as a medical writer. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and while we often discussed having kids, it was never something I was excited for or really desired like other women around me. However, in the past year, God has slowly softened and changed my heart and given me a desire to be a mother. Six months ago, we finally decided to start trying to grow our family. 

At our first ultrasound, we saw two babies but no heartbeats. We would never hold our identical twins in our arms. Even though many of our friends journeyed through miscarriage(s), having one ourselves was a shock, especially since we lost two babies. God has been and continues to be an ever-present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1), but it has still been a difficult time.

Many emotions swirled in my mind in the past months, but the most surprising one has been guilt for grieving. In moments of pain, I have whispered to myself that it is better for me to have faced this loss than another woman who has yearned for kids for years. I have minimized my pain and grief and been tempted to believe that I do not deserve to grieve because it was not until recently that the Lord gave me a desire to have a baby of my own.

But God saw the unformed substance of my babies; in His book were written every one of the days formed for them (Psalm 139:16). This is a truth I hold onto. It is also true that God led me to my career path. My skills and abilities come from Him equipping me to excel and glorify Him where He has placed me, just like my yearning to be a mother and hopefully one day glorify Him in that role comes from Him. The grief I feel at losing our twins through miscarriage is not diminished because my desire for children has only been recent. My grief is valid because these babies were a gift from the Lord and made in His image, no matter how long or short I had desired motherhood.

Romans 12:15 exhorts us “to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” God does not provide a qualifier for when to rejoice or weep with someone. We weep with a woman who never planned to be pregnant and miscarried just as we rejoice with a woman who becomes pregnant after dreaming of the day for years. The length of time a desire exists is not a qualifier for grief. God has not called us to compare our time frames of life or our grief to others. As 1 Corinthians 7:17 reminds us, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.”

Guilt surrounding miscarriage grief pushes us away from the Lord in a time when we need Him desperately. Every loss is a loss and no loss or time frame around that loss should be compared. If you are in a season of guilt and grief surrounding miscarriage, remind yourself that it is ok to grieve. The Lord knew your baby and cares deeply for you–so deeply that He sent His only Son to die to save you and me.



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